PTSD, Fibro and Me

Hello everyone!  Like I said in my previous post, it has been awhile and a lot has happened.  I am not sure if I have mentioned previously or not that I found a really good PTSD counselor.  I have been seeing her for about a year now.  She is not like the other ones.  She actually makes me work on the issues of the present in correlation with the present and we have a very, very long road ahead of us but she is great.  See, I thought, all those years ago, I dealt with everything just fine.  I mean, I was still alive.  I thought I was pretty strong and I had other things to deal with and do.  I had a mother who was “suicidal” (I am now not certain that was the case or if she claimed it to be for attention, whole other story) for years, when I was a teenager and my parents were going through a divorce, I was raped, I was with a physically and mentally abusive boyfriend (and biological father of my daughter) for almost 2 years, I was in more mentally abusive relationships after that a handful of times, my mother and all of the issues that I dealt with with her up until 2 years ago and my drunk uncle and his verbal abuse when he lived with us.  This is just the “mental” side of things.  In 2002, I was diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia that ending up coming back as HPV and I need a LEEP procedure done.  In 2009, I started having these pains that would double me over.  After 6 days in the hospital, they found out that I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured.  They sent me home.  A couple days later the pain came back.  Another cyst.  Then surgery to remove the cyst.  They found that I had stage IV endometriosis.  It was everywhere.  Bladder, bowels, intestines, stomach, lungs, you name it, it was there.  That was in February.  In May, pain was back.  Surgery to remove one of my ovaries.  June, I was in the hospital for 3 days and the hospital tried to tell my parents I was a drug addict because they removed all the endo they could and I shouldn’t be in this much pain and they see this a lot with chronic pain patients.  Pain persists and in October of 2009, at 29 years old, I had a full hysterectomy.  They discovered that the ovary that was left was filled with endo and that is where the pain (you know the pain that the couldn’t understand that I was having, so I had to be a drug addict) was coming from.  Then in January 2010, I got sick again.  I had nausea every morning for weeks at a time.  More testing.  My gallbladder had one stone that was blocking the bile duct and the gallbladder had to be removed immediately.  A couple good years.  Then in 2013 (I think, my memory is shock with short term stuff anymore) this pain started.  The endless tests that I think I have already told you all about that led to the fibro diagnoses.  Then a few weeks ago, this sharp pain on my left upper side, that feels a lot like endo.  Test after test.  Blood work after blood work.  90% sure that is what it is, the docs say.  Now, I have to meet with a specialist next week to set up a colonoscopy to rule out any other issue and if that comes back clean…..exploratory surgery to confirm that the endo came back!!!!  FUN!  That is the physical not to mention the everyday struggle of fibro alone.  But I am still here.  Don’t get me wrong, there are days that I want to give up.  No joke.  When the pain gets bad, my daughter hates me, I see my husband working his ass off to take care of me because I can’t work anymore, when I can’t do normal things around the house because of a bad day, when my mind won’t stop and shut up for even a minute……I just want all to be still and for everything to stop.  Those times can last for seconds or hours but I always come around.  I might have to reach out and ask for help, and that is o.k., but I always come around.  Life gets to be too much.  The chatter, the non stop thoughts, the endless physical pain, I get it.  It can consume you.  I get it.  I really, really get it.  But in those moments, find anything and I mean anything that is your light.  One person that would miss you, just one.  Your family pet that would be lost without you.  An inanimate object that means the world to you.  A special memory that brings you joy.  That butterfly you saw this morning that reminded you that your loved one is watching over you.  I am telling you that even in those darkest of moments, you can always find a small glimmer of light to grasp on to long enough to reach out.  Then when you reach out, something amazing happens.  You realize you are worth something.  That these things that are inside your head aren’t true.  They were placed there by the damage that was caused by those you thought loved you at the time.  They are words that were repeated to you over and over again until you believed them but take a census of the people around you and ask them if that is what they believe about you and I am sure that you will find that is not true.  I guess what I am saying is, nothing is worth your life.  No one should hold that kind of power of over you.  No one.  (I think I just did my own therapy through this because this is so not where I thought this post was going when I intended to write this)  When I talk to my husband about this stuff, I say that I wish that we can just have one good day without any problems coming up at all from the outside world or me not having any issues (mentally or physically).  I love his response, he says, he doesn’t look at days.  He looks at moments.  Happy, perfect moments.  The moments where I can just let go and generally get lost in them.  Where we can just be.  It doesn’t matter what we are doing but we do have a lot of those moments throughout our days.  I need to stop, we all need to stop, judging our lives based on such a huge scale and bring it down to seconds or minutes or hours because in the end, life can be taken in an instant.  (It really is amazing to me how much more this stuff hits me when I am writing it compared to hearing it or speaking it all the time)  Anyway, this has been a very long and unexpected journey and my hope is that this time, I stick with this.  I hope that I can make it through whatever life has to throw at me and keep going, like I have done in the past but deal with these things the proper way this time so that they don’t come back and bite me in the ass.  I hope that this has helped at least one person out there realize that they are not alone and there is hope within themselves and that they are strong enough to make it through anything.  I hope to talk with you soon my friends.  Sorry I have been gone so long.

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