Catching Up

I have been away for awhile because I have had a lot going on and looking at this computer screen with an empty screen has scared me lately.  When I started this journey, it was about me overcoming all the bullshit that happened with my mother, my ex, my health and coming out of it damaged but o.k..  I wanted this to be a positive outlook on what could be and turn it into all the things I love to do, like take pictures and write poetry and share about my support groups that I started about Fibro and keep creating.  Then, life happened and took a turn.  For the past several months I have become lost in my own head.  In a mind that never stops.  In combination with a body that is in constant pain, that can be triggered into a flare by stress.  There are times that I have to think what kind of person I was in a past life to deserve all of this now but I try to keep pushing forward, day by day, hour by hour.  Since my last writings, my daughter turned 18.  She has moved out with her older boyfriend.  She hasn’t been making the best of choices, in my opinion, and when I try to talk to her, it just blows up.  Our relationship has changed and it is like we just can’t even talk anymore without there being a problem.  (Maybe one day I will go into detail, but not ready to empty that jar of thoughts right now) I have found a great PTSD counselor that is working with me on getting through all of my past so that I can have a bright future and get past everything that has happened to me from teenage years on up.  I didn’t realize how hard this was going to be but she is good and I know will we get there.  (I will explain more in the next post)  Then, recently, I find out that the pain I have been having recently (above and beyond the fibro pain) is about a 90% chance that my endometriosis is coming back from when I had it in 2009.  I had a full hysterectomy when I was 29 years old and had stage IV.  I thought this was over but now I am told that it is back to specialists, at least one procedure and possibly and exploratory surgery after that to confirm this.   My husband and I tried to help a friend out, who needed a place to stay for a short term basis, and things got a bit tense and have not worked out.  I fear that will cause tension in the future and all because I was trying to help and having a heart.  I stopped running my support group for fibro, I just stopped posting.  I lost interest.  I got so depressed, I just let it go.   It has been a roller coaster of bad news but I am still here.  I am still fighting.  I still have an amazingly supportive husband, a great family and the best group of friends a girl could ask for.  So there is most of the catch up since I have been gone.  Not too much detail but trust me, there has been a lot.  I am going to try to stay back in this, this time and use this as one of my outlets and hope that my words can reach just one person in this cyber world to make them realize that they are not alone in what they are going through.  That was my point of starting this in the first place.  Sharing my story and showing that as much as it hurts and can down right feel hopeless at times, everything will be o.k..  I hope I can keep this going.


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