PTSD, Fibro and Me

Hello everyone!  Like I said in my previous post, it has been awhile and a lot has happened.  I am not sure if I have mentioned previously or not that I found a really good PTSD counselor.  I have been seeing her for about a year now.  She is not like the other ones.  She actually makes me work on the issues of the present in correlation with the present and we have a very, very long road ahead of us but she is great.  See, I thought, all those years ago, I dealt with everything just fine.  I mean, I was still alive.  I thought I was pretty strong and I had other things to deal with and do.  I had a mother who was “suicidal” (I am now not certain that was the case or if she claimed it to be for attention, whole other story) for years, when I was a teenager and my parents were going through a divorce, I was raped, I was with a physically and mentally abusive boyfriend (and biological father of my daughter) for almost 2 years, I was in more mentally abusive relationships after that a handful of times, my mother and all of the issues that I dealt with with her up until 2 years ago and my drunk uncle and his verbal abuse when he lived with us.  This is just the “mental” side of things.  In 2002, I was diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia that ending up coming back as HPV and I need a LEEP procedure done.  In 2009, I started having these pains that would double me over.  After 6 days in the hospital, they found out that I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured.  They sent me home.  A couple days later the pain came back.  Another cyst.  Then surgery to remove the cyst.  They found that I had stage IV endometriosis.  It was everywhere.  Bladder, bowels, intestines, stomach, lungs, you name it, it was there.  That was in February.  In May, pain was back.  Surgery to remove one of my ovaries.  June, I was in the hospital for 3 days and the hospital tried to tell my parents I was a drug addict because they removed all the endo they could and I shouldn’t be in this much pain and they see this a lot with chronic pain patients.  Pain persists and in October of 2009, at 29 years old, I had a full hysterectomy.  They discovered that the ovary that was left was filled with endo and that is where the pain (you know the pain that the couldn’t understand that I was having, so I had to be a drug addict) was coming from.  Then in January 2010, I got sick again.  I had nausea every morning for weeks at a time.  More testing.  My gallbladder had one stone that was blocking the bile duct and the gallbladder had to be removed immediately.  A couple good years.  Then in 2013 (I think, my memory is shock with short term stuff anymore) this pain started.  The endless tests that I think I have already told you all about that led to the fibro diagnoses.  Then a few weeks ago, this sharp pain on my left upper side, that feels a lot like endo.  Test after test.  Blood work after blood work.  90% sure that is what it is, the docs say.  Now, I have to meet with a specialist next week to set up a colonoscopy to rule out any other issue and if that comes back clean…..exploratory surgery to confirm that the endo came back!!!!  FUN!  That is the physical not to mention the everyday struggle of fibro alone.  But I am still here.  Don’t get me wrong, there are days that I want to give up.  No joke.  When the pain gets bad, my daughter hates me, I see my husband working his ass off to take care of me because I can’t work anymore, when I can’t do normal things around the house because of a bad day, when my mind won’t stop and shut up for even a minute……I just want all to be still and for everything to stop.  Those times can last for seconds or hours but I always come around.  I might have to reach out and ask for help, and that is o.k., but I always come around.  Life gets to be too much.  The chatter, the non stop thoughts, the endless physical pain, I get it.  It can consume you.  I get it.  I really, really get it.  But in those moments, find anything and I mean anything that is your light.  One person that would miss you, just one.  Your family pet that would be lost without you.  An inanimate object that means the world to you.  A special memory that brings you joy.  That butterfly you saw this morning that reminded you that your loved one is watching over you.  I am telling you that even in those darkest of moments, you can always find a small glimmer of light to grasp on to long enough to reach out.  Then when you reach out, something amazing happens.  You realize you are worth something.  That these things that are inside your head aren’t true.  They were placed there by the damage that was caused by those you thought loved you at the time.  They are words that were repeated to you over and over again until you believed them but take a census of the people around you and ask them if that is what they believe about you and I am sure that you will find that is not true.  I guess what I am saying is, nothing is worth your life.  No one should hold that kind of power of over you.  No one.  (I think I just did my own therapy through this because this is so not where I thought this post was going when I intended to write this)  When I talk to my husband about this stuff, I say that I wish that we can just have one good day without any problems coming up at all from the outside world or me not having any issues (mentally or physically).  I love his response, he says, he doesn’t look at days.  He looks at moments.  Happy, perfect moments.  The moments where I can just let go and generally get lost in them.  Where we can just be.  It doesn’t matter what we are doing but we do have a lot of those moments throughout our days.  I need to stop, we all need to stop, judging our lives based on such a huge scale and bring it down to seconds or minutes or hours because in the end, life can be taken in an instant.  (It really is amazing to me how much more this stuff hits me when I am writing it compared to hearing it or speaking it all the time)  Anyway, this has been a very long and unexpected journey and my hope is that this time, I stick with this.  I hope that I can make it through whatever life has to throw at me and keep going, like I have done in the past but deal with these things the proper way this time so that they don’t come back and bite me in the ass.  I hope that this has helped at least one person out there realize that they are not alone and there is hope within themselves and that they are strong enough to make it through anything.  I hope to talk with you soon my friends.  Sorry I have been gone so long.

Catching Up

I have been away for awhile because I have had a lot going on and looking at this computer screen with an empty screen has scared me lately.  When I started this journey, it was about me overcoming all the bullshit that happened with my mother, my ex, my health and coming out of it damaged but o.k..  I wanted this to be a positive outlook on what could be and turn it into all the things I love to do, like take pictures and write poetry and share about my support groups that I started about Fibro and keep creating.  Then, life happened and took a turn.  For the past several months I have become lost in my own head.  In a mind that never stops.  In combination with a body that is in constant pain, that can be triggered into a flare by stress.  There are times that I have to think what kind of person I was in a past life to deserve all of this now but I try to keep pushing forward, day by day, hour by hour.  Since my last writings, my daughter turned 18.  She has moved out with her older boyfriend.  She hasn’t been making the best of choices, in my opinion, and when I try to talk to her, it just blows up.  Our relationship has changed and it is like we just can’t even talk anymore without there being a problem.  (Maybe one day I will go into detail, but not ready to empty that jar of thoughts right now) I have found a great PTSD counselor that is working with me on getting through all of my past so that I can have a bright future and get past everything that has happened to me from teenage years on up.  I didn’t realize how hard this was going to be but she is good and I know will we get there.  (I will explain more in the next post)  Then, recently, I find out that the pain I have been having recently (above and beyond the fibro pain) is about a 90% chance that my endometriosis is coming back from when I had it in 2009.  I had a full hysterectomy when I was 29 years old and had stage IV.  I thought this was over but now I am told that it is back to specialists, at least one procedure and possibly and exploratory surgery after that to confirm this.   My husband and I tried to help a friend out, who needed a place to stay for a short term basis, and things got a bit tense and have not worked out.  I fear that will cause tension in the future and all because I was trying to help and having a heart.  I stopped running my support group for fibro, I just stopped posting.  I lost interest.  I got so depressed, I just let it go.   It has been a roller coaster of bad news but I am still here.  I am still fighting.  I still have an amazingly supportive husband, a great family and the best group of friends a girl could ask for.  So there is most of the catch up since I have been gone.  Not too much detail but trust me, there has been a lot.  I am going to try to stay back in this, this time and use this as one of my outlets and hope that my words can reach just one person in this cyber world to make them realize that they are not alone in what they are going through.  That was my point of starting this in the first place.  Sharing my story and showing that as much as it hurts and can down right feel hopeless at times, everything will be o.k..  I hope I can keep this going.

President Elect Anxiety

This link that I have attached at the bottom is exactly what I have been thinking for the month and I could not agree with her more. He did what every other politician has done (even though he has no experience at all to even begin to run a country) to become elected…..LIE to the people. Sad part is, he showed the person he really is, the nasty man who makes fun of the disabled with a short fuse who really knows how to bring people together to rally hate. Sadder yet, he won. It is too late to do a damn thing about it but sit, watch and pray. Read her tweet to our President-Elect, really read it. Then pick up things:
He takes to twitter about everything and contradicts himself sometimes too. Talks about the protesters. First he is upset them because he won by the votes that he would have not accepted if he lost, then the next day he is happy to see them expressing their rights. (When Obama won four years earlier he tweeted that we should protest and the electoral college needed to be changed). Hamilton owing Pence an apology. It was done at the end of the show, they did not hold him hostage, it was done respectfully and Trump wasn’t there. However, Trump can make fun of a disabled reporter, overweight and flat chested women, dishonor a Gold Star family and defend “locker room talk” without any glimmer of an apology? Really? This is ok? He tweets that he is working on Thanksgiving. Congratulations! So are millions of other people, do you want a cookie? He goes off about SNL all the time. They aren’t funny. Yes, they are. Every president has been mocked. Get over it and move on. He tweets about million of illegal votes and the media being biased just again him. (Media lies about everyone) He has no proof of either but he keeps saying it. So, in his logic I am 5’8″, 140lbs and a millionaire. I have no proof but I will keep saying it.
I watched his 20/20 interview after the election, he was asked about the hate crimes being done in his name and he said he knew nothing about it. He knew about the protesters, on social media all the time but knows nothings about this. Right. He is asked what he would say to them. He looks right in the camera and says, “I would tell them to stop it, if that would help. Stop it right now”. End story. Nothing on twitter, no other mention of it. Does this not concern anyone? Does this not speak to our country about the type of man that we are dealing with? He takes to social media about petty bullshit but not real issues. Actually, he should not be taking to social media at all. Period. He should be addressing the nation and the division of that nation like a grown man.
He recently set up the “Blind Trust” for his companies that he promised to the people, so that he would be able to focus on the country instead of his businesses. Ok, I know I have a background in law. I know it is only a few years but do you know what a Blind Trust is? Better yet, does he? He should not know who the people are that are running his companies. Key words, NOT KNOW. His children are running the companies. This is not a BLIND TRUST. More lies and taking advantage of his supporters that do not have a clue.
The people he has assigned to his cabinet are scary. People who are racist, who don’t believe in women’s rights. We are going backwards in time. By voting him into office, you voted these people into office. You picked a man with no political background into office to pick these people. Absolute power. With him, very scary.
Let us not forget the recent phone he had with Taiwan. Again, because this man has no political background at all, he takes a call to accept a thank you. (Narcissists need the ego boost and attention) Now we have China upset. Then he takes to twitter again saying, “Interesting how the U.S. sells Taiwan billions of dollars of military equipment but I should not accept a congratulatory call”. OK, I will be the first to say that I have no idea whether or not that statement is true. If it is and we have this “decent” relationship China right now, should you be tweeting that we have supplied Taiwan with weapons? I mean if you are really looking out for the people and our well being. We are trusting this man with our Nation’s secrets. Can we think about this for a minute please? Donald Trump, our Nation’s secrets and Twitter! Great! Start building the bunker now!
I have come to terms with the fact that this man was elected President. This is our process, a flawed democratic system, but our system nonetheless. I went into this pissed, right after the election. Then, I calmed down a bit and listen to some people and thought, “Ok, I can’t the man, but I will give him a chance”. Then, every other day he takes to social media with something stupid or picks another winner to be by his side. It is hard to have faith in your “fearless leader” when he can’t even handle Saturday Night Live. Let the power that be, be with us all over the next four years I want end by saying I am not “whining”. I am a concerned citizen, I am a human being with a voice. For those who know me, I can be a bitch but I don’t “whine”, I feel passionately about things and stand up for what I believe in with everything I have. If I see something wrong, I will tell it like it is and try to hold no punches. You either like me or hate me, there is no in between. Life is too short to be fake. With that being said, to those who want to tell me or those who are voicing their opinions or protesting to stop “whining”: If you are a woman and you voted, remember someone had to “whine” for you to have that right. If you are a woman and you have had an abortion, remember someone had to “whine” for you to have that right. If you are a woman and you work, remember someone had to “whine” for you to have that right. If you are a person of color and are not a slave, remember someone had to “whine” for you to have that right. If you are a person of color and you are able to go to the same schools, use the same bathrooms, go to the same restaurants, use the same water fountains as a white person, remember someone had to “whine” for you to have that right. If you are On the other hand, if you are a man, remember that I am a woman and woman need to listen to you “whine” all the time. I am not judging the voters, I am judging the man. We all need to stick together because we are ALL in this together now.

Do I Attract Crazy?

I swear that I have a sign on my forehead that says, “Sucker”.  Last month, I had to end a 19 year friendship because of more lies and manipulation.  This one hit me out of no where and the worst part is, she was there for all the shit that went down with my mom.  She helped me through that rough time and could not believe that anyone could do that to another person.  Not even a year later, she managed to do the same thing.  I will warn you this one is going to sound crazy and very over the top but it is real as real can be and I really feel stupid for believing this and allowing this to go on for so long.  So here it goes, again:

I met, who I looked at like a second mother to me, Linda when I was three months pregnant with my daughter in 1998.  She was my Lamaze coach, she was at every family function and I was at every one of hers, she was at most of my daughter’s school functions, she was involved in every detail of planning my wedding, I paid for her “mother of the bride” dress and included her in the “mother’s” flowers.  Like I said, I looked at her like a second mother.

She used to tell me that I was her sane child.  She had six kids of her own and most with their own problems.  Some had problems with drugs, others alcohol, some both.  Most stole from her and she was constantly robbing from Peter to save Paul.  I would always try to help her by making phone calls to help set up payment arrangements or extending due dates, whatever I could do.  She would come here and we would have our movie days, quiet time without all the kids and grand kids running around.  It was a solid relationship, or so I thought.

Last September, we got together at my place for a normal movie day.  Nothing was special about this day, it was a day like any other.  She had a large white bag with her and she told me that she wanted to tell me something but I had to keep it a secret.  The only people I could tell were my husband and daughter.  I was a bit worried because this was very unlike her but I agreed.   I had no idea that what she was going to tell me would eventually destroy our relationship.

She pulls out her bag and the stuff in it and tells me that her adoptive mother’s sister’s son, her cousin, is pretty famous.  She asks again for my word that this will stay between us and me, my husband and my daughter.  I agree but I am confused and baffled.  I have known this woman, for what seems like forever and I am just learning this, I thought I knew everything about her but I allow her to continue.  She hands me a concert program for the Eagles when they played at the PPL center here in the Valley the year prior.  It is signed by the band mates and one of them says, “hey cuz”.  Glenn Frey, she tells me, is her cousin!  I am floored!  I have always loved the Eagles and I just can’t believe this!  I say to her, get out here you are kidding me!  She assures me this is real and that there is more.

Now, most people know that Glenn Frey and Don Henley were like brothers, fighting and all.  She tells me that she had been talking to Glenn about me and my family and some of things that we had been through, including my husband adopting my daughter.  She said that Glenn wanted to discuss this with Don and possibly start a pen pal relationship with us!  Again, I am floored!  Who wouldn’t be?

So, about a month goes by and we start getting letters from Glenn, Glenn’s wife, Cindy, Don Henley and his wife, Sharon.  Glenn had surgery in October and was recovering so she told me that timing was perfect for the writing.  It was like an instant bond between us.  Then my daughter starts getting letters as well from all of them, including Don’s daughter, Kate.  We were told we could ask them any questions we wanted to, off the record.  We came up with over 50 questions and they were answered within two weeks.

My daughter asked if she could make them some jewelry and they said of course.  My daughter spent her own money to pick out things to make them something nice.  She made things for the guys and their wives and Linda shipped it to them.  Keep in mind, everything went through Linda as they did not want us to have their address which we completely understood.  We got thank you letters from them all and Glenn said that his mother was jealous that she didn’t get one.  His response was, “Hey, it’s who you know” which made my daughter laugh.  So, Linda was to go to Walden Woods where Glenn and Cindy were to renew their vows for their 25 wedding anniversary on January 9, 2016.  My daughter made Glenn’s mother a pair of earrings for Linda to take with her and give to her when she saw her there.

Now I asked Linda about flight info because I worry A LOT about people flying.  She did not have any saying that Glenn brother, who lives in the area, had all of that and was picking her up and they were flying out of philly.  I looked and there were no flights with the info that she gave me.  Again, I just shrugged it off thinking it is a world I know nothing about.  When Linda came back, she gave Taylor a hand written thank you card from Glenn’s mother, Nellie, thanking my daughter for the earrings.  I thought is was so nice.  There were many other letters that came back with her from the guys from band.  One of them said they were adopting my daughter as their band mascot.  She was thrilled!  We really felt this bond and were just in awe.  How could these people feel this way about us?  We are nobody’s.

Then, nine days later, I happen to be scrolling through facebook and see five notifications at the same time that broke our hearts.  Glenn Frey died.  (Keeping in mind that we just suffered four losses back to back from August to October that we were still trying to deal with).  I know it sounds silly never meeting the guy but all these letters and things that were said in these letters, we felt a bond there and it was gone.  I called Linda after I composed myself because I wasn’t sure if they would think to call a cousin in the chaos.  She came to the house right away.  My daughter was so upset, she damn near knocked Linda over when she came through door when she went to hug her, she (my daughter) was so upset.

Linda asked me to help her type up a eulogy for the funeral that was going to take place on the 22nd and 23rd in Detroit where Glenn grew up.  I, of course, helped her.  Her and his brother were flying out of our local airport on the 21st and I asked for the info and only got that the flight was leaving around 8pm.  I looked at the airport site and it showed no flights leaving or coming in at all after 6pm.  Nothing at all.  I found that strange but thought why would she lie to me and let it go.

She came home and brought us a white rose from the service that Cindy wanted us to have.  We continued to stay in contact with Cindy, Don, Sharon and Kate through Linda only.  Linda asked me if I could see what people were saying about her late cousin on line.  There were websites out there of celebrities reactions to Glenn’s passing and I got all the info for her.  This is where things starting to take a turn in a very different direction.

Bob Seager and Irving Azoff (the Eagles manager) both said that Glenn was in a coma since his surgery in October and that they had the best specialists working on him trying to get him better and keep him alive.  Things were not adding up.  How can I have letters from someone who was in a coma?  This is not possible.  On top of many other things that she told us that were not adding up either.  One of them being that Don’s “daughter” Kate is adopted and biologically Elton John’s. So, I called her out and gave her an opportunity to tell me the truth in February.  Here is the email that I sent:

Hello.  I am not exactly sure how to say what I need to say so I am going to try to put my words together as best as I can.  As you know, I am an avid researcher and I am always on the computer scanning for different things, hobbies, interests, people, etc.  I have also voiced to you how hard it is for me to believe that we have been talking to such iconic people for the last few months.  Over the last few months, I have read the letters, watched the interviews, listened to the stories with amazement and pride.  However, when I look things up and really think about things, it doesn’t add up.  I have known you for almost 20 years and I love you like family and I have no idea why you would make something like this up but things are not adding up.  I know you are asking yourself what doesn’t add up and what am I questioning.  Here are just a few things that I have questioned:  The turn around time on the replies for the letters, I give you a letter on a certain day and I have replies within 3-5 days.  When I send things to Dave’s mom in TN it takes 3-5 days just to get there if not longer.  I have found, through online interviews, that Don has three biological children two girls and a boy and he was there for each birth.  I showed you a picture of Annabell and asked you who she was and you said you did not know, however that is one of Don’s daughters.  On the board of directors at Walden Woods there is no Kate listed.  When you went to Walden and to Detroit, you told me that you were flying out of ABE direct.  There were no flights leaving at the time that you said that you guys were leaving.  No flights at all after 6pm out of ABE on those days.  Multiple websites show that Glenn and Cindy’s anniversary was actually in August, not January.  Those sites also show that his first wife’s name was Janie not Linda.  I am not sure why he would call Cindy Janie if that was his first wife’s name.  I would not be comfortable with that.  And the fact that Bob and Irv both have stated on multiple reputable websites that Glenn never made it out of surgery in New York.   Robert Lamm has been married four times but none of his wives were named Cathy.  I am at a loss.  I believe, however, that Glenn was a part of your family.  You have the signed copies of things and family pictures and I don’t question that.  I question the stories and the contact between them.  I am sure that the road was filled with good intentions to pull my daughter and I out of a hole and give us something to look forward to and I appreciate that.  Maybe things just got out of hand.  I really don’t know.  I just really need the truth without doubt.  I can’t go on thinking that someone that I hold so close has lied to me and my daughter.  I know that I truly do love you and and my feelings didn’t change when you told me all this.  I just need the truth, please.  Maybe I can try to move past this.  I am not sure.  I will wait to hear from you.  T**** is having problems with her school computer, so she has been using this one throughout the day and my pain levels and headaches have been bad over the last few days.  If you reply or call and I don’t get back to you right away it is because I am either not doing well, laying down or don’t physically have the computer or phone with me.  I hope you can understand my confusion.

This was her reply:

I have not lied to you about Glenn. As for the letters, we have used UPS or FedX. As for flights, those were put together by someone else, so you probably wont find them. When did all this start occurring? What would be my reason for the deception? I don’t have a special agenda for hurting either of you. I cannot answer for other people’s actions, so I don’t feel that anything I say will make this any better. Sure, I could defend myself, but would it really make things any better? I did not lie to either of you. My intentions were to make both of you happy, but if you truly feel I deceived you, I am sorry. I merely stated facts that I was given by the people who made them. Again to try to explain would probably not help, but I swear to you the letters you received from both Glenn and Cindy are real, not fake. Thank you for believing something, but I really don’t know what to say. I am sorry for any confusion, and would appreciate us getting over this. Can we?

I then received a very direct letter from Cindy and an understanding letter Don and Sharon spelling out the details on what happened the day the Glenn passed away and how the media can get away with saying whatever they wanted.  They all said that they really wanted the relationship to continue and I really thought that maybe it was true.  Hell, I wanted to believe it was true because if it wasn’t it would mean that this life long friend lied  and made all this up for nothing.  So we continued to write and went along like everything was fine but something was still not sitting right with me.

I believe it was in March or April that a former bandmate, Randy Meiser, made the news.  His wife was killed in a freak accident.  I was told that Randy’s wife was Cindy’s sister and first thought was OMG poor Cindy first Glenn now her sister.  Linda said no this was just some other woman that he was with after her.  Again nothing I found was adding up to what she was telling me.

Well on my birthday, May 3rd, Linda came over and gave me her gift, a card and a Bon Jovi CD.  Then she had something for me from Don, Cindy and Sharon.  A card and a box.  In this box were two signed copies of Don’s new album Cass County (one for Dave and I and one for our daughter) each with a hand written note in them and then an envelope with tickets to his concert this August at Musikfest!  I damn near died!  I was so excited!!!!!  Don Henley thought enough about me to get me tickets to his show.  Then I read the letter with them that made me think, he apologized that the tickets could not be closer but that is all the venue could give him.  I have never heard of such a thing before in my life.  Now I was thrilled with the tickets just the thought alone but I already had doubt and this just made the doubt worse.

I was in the middle of trying to help Linda save her home by working with her mortgage company by trying to get her a remod so I had her financials here at my house.  I had the tickets here and where they were purchased and I have a legal brain.  I called the placed where the tickets were purchased, asked when and who purchased them and they told me that Linda purchased them on site with cash.  The bank record confirmed an ATM cash withdraw on the same day.  My heart broke.  Then I starting digging hard on the internet about everything she told me about the guys or anything that was in the letters.

I will not get into everything because it would take me hours to write it all down but remember when I said that my daughter got a hand written thank you card from Glenn’s mother, Nellie, for the jewelry?   Well, on top of all the other things that weren’t true like Don not having biological children, Randy Meisner and Don Felder being Glenn’s brother in laws, the bands doctor being a lady named Cathee who was Robert Lamm (lead singer of Chicago) wife, Don’s mother being so sweet at the vow renewal and many, many more stories…..Let me touch base on these first before I hit the one that proved that none of the communications were true from the beginning.  Don does have three biological children two girls and a boy there are pictures of him with his wife while she is pregnant out there on the web.  No links between Cindy and Randy’s late wife.  Don Felder hasn’t been married in a very long time.  Robert Lamm has been married four times and never to a Cathee and never to a doctor.  Don Henley’s mother passed away a few years ago.  Now, on to the nail in the coffin.  Nellie Frey, Glenn’s mother who was jealous of the jewelry and send my daughter a thank you card died years ago!  I could not believe it!!!!

I sent Linda a letter, along with all her belongings that I had here because of the remod that I was helping her with.  I confirmed that she got this letter.  The letter detailed all the misinformation and lies that she told us and me begging for answers.  The hurt is caused us and not understanding why she would do this to us.  She knew everything that we had been through and to allow this to continue is crazy and heartless.  She said that she got everything and that I still had a book of hers.  My husband dropped off the book and she told him that I should expect a letter from her in the mail soon.  I received the letter the next day saying that she is sorry and there is no reason on why she did this that would make sense.  We have no answers.  However, she told her kids, that I haven’t been close to in years, that I am crazy because they changed my meds again and she doesn’t want them talking to me.

I really don’t get it.  Almost 20 years out the window for no reason what so ever.  We had such a great relationship.  She knew everything about me and I thought I did about her.  We shared everything in each other’s lives.  There was no reason for this at all.  Why cause this hurt.  I am finding myself finding it so hard to trust anyone anymore.  First my own mother and now this.  You allow someone in your life for so long and they betray not only you but your family without any explanation.  You are left wondering why and that is an awful thing to be left with.  No reason as to why just gone!  Done! Over! Lied! Shit on you! Why? Who knows.  I haven’t even completely gotten over what my mother has done to us and the loss that we suffered last year and now this with more unanswered questions.  I don’t want all this pain and mistrust to change me but I don’t know how not to let it.

I have been trying to sweep this under the rug for over a month now and it keeps rearing its ugly head.  Not because she is doing anything but because my mind won’t let any of the hurt from my mother, to the loss of my nana, my pop, my aunts, to this alone.  It is like this was the straw that broke me.  How sad is that?  I try to keep telling myself that I have no control over the way others act and I know that I don’t but how did I not see this?  How did I allow this to happen again?  My daughter’s biological father, my mother, now Linda.  All people I allowed to get close to destroy me and my family.  How do I not take the blame for that?  How do I not allow that to happen again when I don’t know how it happened in the first place?  I really need to find this magnet that is somewhere in my body that attracts the crazies and have it removed because I really don’t know if I can handle another heart break like this.  Thank you all for listening and who knows maybe one day there will be a book or a lifetime movie of this life of mine because you really can’t make this shit up!!!!!  Until then, I must just keep on keepin’ on, you all do the same!  Until next time.



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Coming Back

I have been away for awhile because of my health issues but I am starting to come back and trying to get back to the way things used to be.  In the last few months my symptoms got worse.  I starting getting this intense pain on the top left side of my head that felt like there was a gnome hitting my head with an ice pick and these would cause me to go into one of my “episodes”.(being able to hear and sometimes see what was going on around me but completely unable to respond or move for what seemed like hours but only lasted a few minutes at a time)  After a few months of these new problems, my husband and I talked to my doctor and they did an MRI.  We discovered that I have an arachnoid cyst on my brain but that was not the cause of my problems.  About a week later, things got worse.  The pain became more severe and more frequent.  My husband called my doctor and he was told to call the ambulance because they were not sure if I was having a stroke or not.  After three days in the hospital and more tests, they found out that I have stabbing headaches and non epileptic seizures.  I have also had migraines but I guess they decided to evolve.  There is no cure for either of these new diagnoses but they put me on a preventive medication for the stabbing headaches that can also help with the fibro pain and depression, it is called Nortryptiline.  It is a step up drug that you start by taking one a day for a week, two a day for a week, then three a day.  It was hell for a little bit with the mood swings and it seemed like the depression was getting worse for the first few weeks.  In the past couple of days my depression has been getting better and, though I still get the stabbing headaches, seizures and migraines, they are not as frequent or severe.  So, it does seem to be working.  I am looking at starting my support group back up and starting to write on my blog more often again.  I need to get my life back and stop letting my body decide what I am capable of that day.  While I know that I need to rest and listen to the warning signs that my body is giving me, I will not allow it to take away what little social life I have left.  I am crawling out of that dark hole and starting to see the light.  I hope that you all will go through this journey with me and I am sorry that I disappeared for so long.

So Lost

The last few months have been brutal, to say the least.  While I am still very grateful for the people that I have in my life, we went through a tremendous amount of loss of the last couple months.  In August, I lost my grandfather and a friend two days apart from each other.  It was so hard to process that, at the ripe age of 35, I have no more grandparents.  None.  It is a like a hole in my heart that can never be filled.  Then, my husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary on October 25th.  We went away for a couple of days and upon our return (within 30 minutes of getting home), we learned that two of my aunts were most likely not going to make it through the night.  I am still grateful that they were in the same nursing facility so that we could see them both at the same time.  My one Aunt Helen has been battling so many different things over the last few years, cancer, COPD, chronic bronchitis, chronic pneumonia and just getting up there in age, that we have received many calls like this before and she always pulled through.  She was a fighter and she would joke saying that “That Devil isn’t getting me yet!  I am not done harassing people yet!”  This time wasn’t the same.  She was already in a coma like state when we got there.  She was struggling to breathe and had a fever but looked like she was sleeping.  No matter how much I talked to her, there was no response.  It ripped my heart out.  This woman who was so full of life and spunk was lying there lifeless.  I just wanted to hear her pick on someone so bad.  Then down the hall, is my Aunt Edie.  She was recently diagnosed with cancer earlier this year.  She did have some other health problems as well.  She was in and out of hospitals, surgeries and  ICU for a few months before going into the nursing facility.  There were days that she was happy and just loving life and others that she felt like giving up.  I can’t say that I blame her on the last part.  I watched both of them go from free spirited women to almost lifeless.  And there was nothing I could do but sit by and watch.  When I got to see my Aunt Edie she was already unreachable.  She was in a catatonic state.  (I have never seen anyone like that before)  Her eyes were open and not blinking at all.  She had the infamous “death gargle” that people talk about and at times it seemed like she was trying to communicate with us.  Moving her hand or sounding like she was trying to speak.  We had to leave because my husband was to go into work later that night and he needed to get some rest.  At around 7pm that night I got the call that my aunt Helen passed away and about two hours later, the same call saying that my aunt Edie had passed as well.  How do you process this?  How do you go from having a nice stress free getaway to two substantial losses within two hours of each other? I can’t call is shock but I really think my brain has just shut down. It can’t process all these losses, so there are days that I act like it doesn’t exist.  Then there are times where I will see something that reminds me of one of them and my mind bounces to the other three at the same time and I shut down again.  I am honestly afraid of starting to cry because I really feel that I will not be able to stop.  This is normally my favorite time of year.  Getting together with family and friends, decorating for Christmas and reflecting back on another year.  This year things are different.  Empty chairs, old photographs, Christmas decorations are constant reminders of those that are no longer with us.  While, again, I am grateful for all that we have, how do you begin to process all the loss?  I eventually have to deal with all the losses but how?  Do I just shut down for a couple days and do nothing but cry?  Do I try to just get by and deal with the memories as the come up?  I am so lost that I don’t have the answers.  I just know that there is a huge hole in my heart this holiday season that I don’t think can ever be filled.  Just gotta keep on keepin’ on I guess.  Not even sure what that means anymore.  So in closure, please tell those who are close to you how much you love them everyday and never take them for granted.  You never know when they won’t be with us anymore.  Wear your heart on your sleeve and be honest with all.  Let people in, let them see the real you and allow yourself to see them.  We only have one shot at this life and no one makes it out alive so live it to the fullest.


I think I have finally come to peace with everything regarding my mother.  It is even hard for me to call her that anymore.  The past few weeks have been trying but the last few days have been an major eye opener.  I have decided I am done fighting.  I am done allowing her to control my emotions and putting an emotional strain on my family.  She has made her choices and she has to live with them.  I am surprisingly very ok with all of this.  A few months ago I would have been an emotional wreck, but now I am just happy to get things back to normal.  I know that her behavior will continue but I have learned that the only power she has is the power that I give her.  I choose not to allow her to have that power anymore.  I choose to take back my life and stop worrying about what she is going to do.  Things will now be handled like a legal matter.  Very straight and to the point without the emotion that goes into it.  It is amazing the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders.  I really can’t describe the peace that I feel within regarding my decision to not let her get to me anymore.  This has been one hell of a roller coaster ride of emotion but it is time to get off and start really appreciating what I have right in front of me.  I have an amazing daughter who is so loving and smart, a husband who would do anything for us and does, a family that has my back and supports every decision that I make and a group of friends that I wouldn’t trade for the world.  We all struggle with different things and the negative tends to drown out all the positive things that are right in front of our faces.  Find those things.  A nice breezy day, some quiet time alone, a great day with friends, quality time with family or a hot bubble bath.  We don’t know if we will be here tomorrow so stop focusing on what others do and say to try to bring you down.  Believe in yourself, be true to yourself.  We all have that control over our lives, we just need to dig deep to find it.  I really hope this feeling stays and I can stay strong and at peace.  Thank you all for listening and your words of encouragement.  My journey is long from over but I hope that some of this might help someone else who is going through the same thing.  Know that you will be ok.  Just keep on keepin on!!!!!

The Story Continues but the Strength is Stronger

We had a few weeks of peace and quiet.  However, we all know how this book goes.  I really thought it was over and that my mother was actually getting it and listening to me and my daughters wishes.  I really thought we could begin to have peace again.  Well, earlier this week I was proved wrong yet again.  My daughter was checking her email and we found an email from my mother saying that she misses and loves my daughter and she was so glad to see that my daughter had a great time in Italy.  Now, being that my daughter has blocked my mother from facebook and her phone and my mother blocked my daughter from her phone and email, we wondered how she could know that she had such a great time.  My daughter did respond to her and say that she wanted to know how she knew and why she couldn’t answer an email that my daughter sent her about a month ago but now because my mother wants to talk to my daughter she unblocked the email.  In the course of about 8 emails back and forth between my daughter and my mother, my daughter wanted answers.  She wanted to know how she knew, she wanted to know why my mother blocked her from the email, she wanted to know why she never answered the email that my daughter sent her about her feelings with everything that has happened.  At first my mother denied ever blocking my daughter from her email, until my daughter forwarded the message that showed that the email could not go through to her because email was blocked.  Then my mother said she was sorry she blocked her.  Then my mother claimed to have never gotten the email/text from my daughter, until my daughter pointed out that she sent it from a phone number that was associated with her kindle because my mother blocked every other way to contact her.  Then the response was, oh I did get that email/text but I felt that I didn’t have anything to say so I did not respond.  So my daughter put together another email and sent it off to my mother about all the hurtful things that my mother has done and said to my daughter.  My daughter was really venting and putting the facts in the email about what hurt her and about how she felt about everything that was done and she ended by saying no more contact because my mother is refusing to talk about the past and work through the issues.  My daughter wanted to try to mend the relationship, but in order to do that you need to work through the issues and that requires talking about them and trying to make sense of it all.  My mother’s response to my 16 year daughter after reading her heartfelt email pretty much begging her for an apology to to try to work through these issues…….”I have one more question for you and I promise no more contact……Do you love me at all?”  Who does this to their flesh and blood?  I have posted the series of emails so that maybe someone can give me feedback on what you all see.  I did take over at the end because my daughter was so hurt by all the avoidance of the issues and lack of responsibility.  The sad part is, all my daughter wanted was an apology and to try to work things out.  My mother can’t even fess up to her responsibilities.  It is just so sad.  Please remember, this is something that I have had to learn and that I tell my daughter on a regular basis, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!  If you are dealing with a narcissistic person know that it is not you that is the problem.  IT IS THEM!  You cannot change them, you cannot get them to see what they have done wrong.  In their eyes they are the victim and everyone is out to get them.  Please stay strong and keep doing what is best for you.  The hurt will fade in time but you will be able to see the true colors that allow you to know that it is nothing that you said or did to deserve this type of behavior.  You are worth something, you are a special person and you deserve love.

Here are the emails back and forth:

My mom:

Hi !  I miss you very much and hope all is going well.  I am glad your Italy trip went well.  Love you always!
My daughter:
Oh so you can unblock me to email me but there is no response to the email/text that I sent you.  Oh and thank you for blocking me from your phone.  That was nice.
My mom:
You were never blocked from my email. I did not receive an email. I am sorry for blocking you from my phone but there was so much we were all saying via text and I/we all blocked each other.  I tried texting you and realized I was blocked and figured you would reach out to me when and if you are ready.  I simply wanted to let you know I miss you and was very happy your Italy trip went so well.
My daughter:

Mail Delivery Subsystem <>

Jun 6

to me
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification

Delivery to the following recipient has been rejected:


You did block me from the email because when I sent my email that is the response I got immediately after the email was “sent”. I never said anything I did not mean. I was trying to mend our relationship but you did not want to take responsibility for anything. So yes I ended up blocking you. And how do you know my Italy trip went well? I have not talked to you at all.
My daughter:
Also I know you got the message because when I realized you blocked me from your email and phone I text you and J*** answered me. So I text the message to both you and J*** from another number.
My mom:
Just wanted to say hi! Sorry you are still angry….
My daughter:
I am still angry and you still aren’t apologizing.  And I see you are still avoiding questions.  I asked how did you know that my trip went well because I haven’t talked to you.  Also nothing on the text/email that was sent to you AND j*** from me on a different number.  Way to still avoid.
My mom:
You forget how many people at (*my mothers work) helped raised money for your trip.  I know because they all see your postings and tell me how much fun you seemed to be having.  I simply smiled and thanked them and shook my head yes.  I am right here T***** and not avoiding anything other than conflict.  I love you very much and wish you only the best this life has to offer.
My mom a few hours later when my daughter did not respond:
As far as the email/text you sent from a different number…I did receive that one and felt I had nothing to say about that.  It was surprised by the contents and did not feel I had anything to say about any of it.  If you are happy with getting to know the “family” you never got to know, I am happy for you.  I do not wish to be a part of that family and therefore had nothing to say.  I hope this answers all your questions and concerns.
My daughter:
What do you mean you have nothing to say?  Does that mean I was right about everything else in the email considering you only responded to the last sentence of the email?
My mom:
Not in my opinion…….
My daughter
Then how was I wrong?
My mom:
it is not a matter of who was wrong or right….opinions differ.  My past is my past, believe it or not. I believe deep down you know I have always been there for you and we had a very good relationship.  I do not wish to revisit the last few months of problems and disagreements.  I can only offer you what I have always offered you from the day you were born and that is my love.
My daughter:
I know for a fact you have had more than three therapists, there was L***, J**, B***, and I am sure there was more before that, so again a lie. Also, people do not change therapists that many times unless something was wrong. You were friends with S*****’s mom, M******’s mom, but you were always being all over any of my friends, but mostly their parents. You told me that you fell in love with J***/started having feelings for her the first time you saw her when I made Annie and you were always coming to rehearsals. You told me that you had feelings for her when I found out about you and her when we were at the mall. You should have known that with me dating N***, there should have been something that told you that the relationship with you and J***, is wrong. There are certain lines that you should not cross and that is definitely one of them. You should have thought about me. Not yourself for once in your life. So far the family that I never knew are extremely nice people. There is no proof that what you said happened actually happened. You say that you were pregnant, I want to know how you were going to school with no one else noticing. Your family were maybe at one point as bad as you made them out to be, but people change, so maybe they have changed to be this kind. But in conclusion to all of this if you are not willing to revisit the last few months of problems then there is no way that we can work through the problems and try to rekindle the relationship we had. So yes you are the one that is walking away because you are not willing to fix things. Just because you screwed up and cannot admit that you were wrong does not mean that you can just pretend it never happened. Everyone screws up, but you have to take responsibility for it. That is something that you are not doing and most likely never will. Never once have you said you were sorry, or that you were wrong, or took responsibility for anything. Angel is a prime example. That cat was here, you said that you would pick him up early. I called you that night to see if he was doing okay and you flat out lied and said yeah he’s doing great. You couldn’t even tell me no, he’s not doing to good. I actually have an appointment to put him down tomorrow. There is no doubt in my mind when you had J*** call me you thought that the vet was closed, which it pretty much was, she called at 7:47 and the vet closed at 8. We got in the car and went to the vet and we got there at 8:10. They let us in after closing to see him. You waited so that I couldn’t say good-bye to him. That was wrong. So yes, you will be the one walking away because you are not allowing the chance for both of us to work through these issues.
My mom:
One last question and I promise no more contact….Do you love me at all?
My response because my daughter was hurt:
This is Kristy.  T**** is very upset about these series of emails and now this question! To think that you would even ask her this question shows that you are not getting what she is saying and that you don’t know her at all.  YOU have yet to take responsibility for any of YOUR actions that hurt her, YOU are still lying to her and YOU want to tell her that YOU don’t want to revisit the past few months because YOU don’t want any more conflict.  It is funny because you would tell me how upset you would become when you and dad had an argument and he wouldn’t talk about it anymore.  You are doing the same thing to T**** right now.  You can’t expect to just let the past go and not work through it and never talk about it again.  And if that is what you feel, because that is what you said in a previous email, then you are making the choice not to work through this and hurt her even more.  She tried to talk to you months ago at the diner, again over the phone and you kept interrupting her when she was trying to talk to you and even in these emails, she tries to express her feelings and your reply is I just wanted to say hi, sorry you are still angry?????? Enough is enough.  Of course she loves you, as do I but trust is broken and the hurt is deep.  She asked for no more contact.  I am asking that you give her that and no more guilt!  She is a teenager.  She has been through more in her little time on this earth than she should have ever had to go through from people that she held very close.  Please respect her enough to give her the space that she has requested and let her get through all of this.
Some of the points made in the emails might not make sense to all because I have not shared the whole story with all the lies and such on this post but have made mention to them in some of my other posts.  I have starred out the names and email address for privacy.  I am really looking for some feedback.  Interested in others thoughts.